Is He Boyfriend Material?

This week we have a guest-post, compliments of Marni Batista!

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When it comes to finding long-lasting love, the men you want to typically date can be classified as Boyfriend Material. These men are also dating with dignity, and have an expressed interest in finding a partner who is confident, independent, and has the skills necessary to communicate in MANglish. The ability to understand and then respect MANglish is paramount to finding a relationship with Mr. Boyfriend Material. Why? The answer is, quite frankly, because Mr. Boyfriend Material won’t put up with your crap. He expects you to communicate your needs, have boundaries, express your expectations directly, and allow him to engage in activities that fulfill the essence of who he is. In addition, he knows that you won’t take everything he says as a personal rejection, or declaration of his love for you.

There are few key signs to look for to know if you are dating Mr. Boyfriend Material:

He is truly in a place where he feels confident and secure in his ability to provide. Men are most ready to be in an exclusive long-term relationship when they feel “settled.” They have spent time building their career and have the time available to invest in a relationship. A man who is capable of a long-term relationship has integrity, and as a result his words and actions match.

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This is one of the most CRITICAL signs a man is ready to be your boyfriend. If his words and actions CONSISTENTLY match, it is clear he is ready to play in the big leagues – possibly with you. Mr. Boyfriend Material simply doesn’t play games. When he is interested in pursuing you, he will let you know in a way in which it is appropriate.

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Mr. Boyfriend Material is attracted to a confident women who also dates in a world where games have no place. Mr. Boyfriend Material possesses an ability to express his feelings directly. He will not manipulate you with silence, criticize, or judge you. While it may seem obvious, Mr. Boyfriend Material is currently single. He is not in a relationship, “getting divorced,” or in a relationship with someone that just doesn’t seem to understand him like you do.

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Mr. Boyfriend material does not expect you to have sex with him, AT ALL. In fact, many men who are truly looking for love are mature and wise enough to recognize that it is best to wait until he knows you better to pursue sexual intimacy.

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In short, a man who is looking for a relationship is confident, mature, un-afraid to be vulnerable and feels comfortable with commitment. He will romance you willingly, and loves time spent together having tea, walking on the beach, or going to the movies. Sex is not his primary motive for calling or asking you out. Mr. Boyfriend Material is seeking an interdependent relationship with a woman who wants the same. Remember, he has “done that, been there, and will not be attracted to a woman who plays games, is manipulative or lacks confidence.

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Thanks Marni, great advice to follow for those of us wanting to become Ms. Girlfriend!

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Be sure to visit Marni at www.datingwithdignity.com

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LifeBytes, Real Stories of Online Dating Podcast

Real Stories of Online DatingHere’s our interview with Yvette Francino about the LifeBytes, Real Stories of Online Dating anthology!

Mariann and I were thrilled to be able to sit down with Yvette and talk about the LIfeBytes™ project. We hope you have a few minutes to listen in as we talk about our book, it’s inception and some of the tales that we’ve been gathering from all over the world (yes, dating online is the new global bar scene!)

Thanks to Yvette for letting us share our favorite subject with everyone!
You can visit her at:
Her Blog:
http://singleagainonlinediary.blogspot.com
Book:
http://www.thelaptopdancerdiaries.com
Facebook:
http://facebook.com/thelaptopdancerdiaries

Shhhh…I’m Eavesdropping.

What is going on with me?
I met a man last week who’d contacted me on Match.com. He wasn’t my usual physical type — that’s the type that makes me think “KA-Ching…Jackpot!” when I see his photo. He did, however, seem intelligent and down-to-earth in his profile write-up (call me crazy, but that actually does have an edge for me over the pix). So after an email or two and a brief phone call, we arranged to meet at a local pub.

Finnegan’s is an Irish neighborhood bar and, since we met on a weeknight, not at all crowded. In fact, we were only one of two couples in the little back dining room. The hostess seated us at adjacent tables. I wondered why she did that as there were at least six other tables to choose from. Perhaps she had bunions and wanted to keep her walking distance to a minimum?

We ordered drinks and “Mr. Perky Profile” began talking…and talking…and talking about his life. It was hard to get a word in edge-wise, but he had had a pretty interesting life so I didn’t mind being in listening mode. All went well until snippets of the conversation from our table-neighbors began registering in my ears. THEY were also on an internet date! I found myself uncontrollably drawn to their conversation.
“So you’re hobby is …”
“I’m an account manager, but what I really want to do is …”
“Well, I have a really huge….”

“Breakfast Burrito”…this last was from Perky. He was talking about his favorite foods.
“Really,” I said, with what I hoped was a charming smile. I was hesitant to add more since I’d obviously missed a chunk of sparkling repartee previous to this. Perky just kept rolling on.

My attention continued flip-flop back and forth until I almost answered Perky’s “So, tell me about the plays you perform in at the theater”, with “The Galapagos Islands!!”. Seems the neighbors were up to the “places you’d like to go on vacation to” portion of the evening. It was good that I caught myself in time although if I hadn’t I probably could have made up some story about a play we’re doing involving a mysterious island off the coast of Peru, ala “Lost”.

I did try to be a better date after that and I guess I was fairly well behaved because Perky asked if he could call me again as we were walking to our cars later on. I said he could and, if he does, I’ll go out with him. I do feel I owe him a night of undivided attention…well…I’ll try…really…unless…

Seriously, what is it with me? Have I been on too many internet dates, or am I just developing Dating ADD??

Strange Email Comments – The Top Ten

Strange Emails!Over the years I’ve gotten more than my share of odd emails. Here, in no particular order, are excerpts from some of my favorites.

1. I don’t have a headshot posted because I’m very famous in my town. (Um, OK. Town drunk? Married? Really a woman?)

2. I’m married but maybe you could just have some fun with me till your Prince Charming comes along. (Soooooo…you’re being honest with me but NOT your wife?)

3. Make a wish and I’ll grant it. (After you pop out of a bottle wearing bloomers?)

4. I read your email as I was sipping a Mocha Latte, while enjoying the jasmine scents of the foliage as it wafted through my kitchen window. (This was oddly flowery for a guy…. until I found out that he’d sent the SAME email to my girlfriend..verbatim- then it was just weird. And BTW, what “wafted”, the scents or the foliage?)

5. i looking for a women just lik you. (Thank you for the warning).

6. 300-555-2788 (“CALL NOW to take advantage of this limited time offer!!!!” ???).

7. I would like to meet you later today for an afternoon of sexual pleasures. (Today? Gee, how about….NEVER.)

8. (This one came after I’d sent a polite “no thank you” to someone who emailed me) “Well, I hope you find your prince…under the TREE!” (My Christmas tree or the oak tree in my backyard? Quick, let me know I want to go and look!)

9. Here’s a link to the Real Estate group that handles the rental on my shore house. You can see a picture of the house on their site! (I’m looking for a date, not a vacation rental…just sayin’)

10. If we meet you’ll need to know that I am an atheist! (Afraid I’ll scream “Praise the Lord and pass the potatoes!!!” before we have dinner?)

Amen – thank you God for gifting me with a fairly healthy sense of humor..) What’s the oddest email comment you’ve ever gotten?
Sharon

Reconnecting with your intuition

This week we have a guest post by our friend, relationship expert Maryanne Comaroto!

Have you ever met someone for the first time, and within a few seconds of meeting them, you got a gut feeling about them and felt your body either opening up to them, or closing off? That “belly brain,” or intuition, is a powerful information filtering system that uses your senses to make judgements about new people and new situations. It measures all kinds of data, and tunes you in to everything you need to know about a person. It can tell you if this person is dangerous or safe, angry or kind, aggressive or shy. It measures things like a person’s walk, their conversation style, their body language, and their movements in order to make assessments. It all happens very quickly – if you are paying attention, you can know within about 30 seconds whether you are in a good or bad situation, and whether you should continue or get the heck out of there. The body makes this judgement call based on empirical data, and it never lies about its findings.

However, within milliseconds the information then gets passed on to the brain, where it undergoes a second, less accurate filtering process. This time around, the incoming data from the other person gets compared to your brain’s internal database of past experiences. You have a huge amount of information in your mind regarding speech patterns, behavior recognition, common references, and a whole host of other ways in which you can categorize this new person. Once the brain finds some labels to stick on this person based on your historical data, your body will respond by expanding or contracting. This is where we can start to have problems, because the brain is not always as honest or accurate as the intuition when it comes to making an assessment.

Our brains are not only full of past experiences, but also with learned and acquired beliefs that have built up over time into knee-jerk defense mechanisms that work like safety barriers to try to protect us. Men who drive up in an old, rusty car are losers; women with bleached hair and fake boobs are uneducated and shallow; men in Italian suits are successful and ambitious; quiet women who wear glasses are intelligent and trustworthy. While this second phase of filtering can provide you with some useful information, it can also be misleading, particularly if the true intuition disagrees with the assessment, and the brain chooses to override the intuition regardless.

You might think it silly that the brain’s fallible decision-making process would override the intuition’s flawless one, but it happens all the time. Think back to your last breakup. Can’t you look back now and say, “well yeah, I kind of knew in my gut that things weren’t right, even when we were still together”? That’s your intuition at work. The belly brain always knows. But your mind, in an effort to avoid pain in the short term, overrides the intuition and tells you what it wants you to hear, whatever will smooth things over so that it doesn’t have to feel pain right at this moment. In order to get past this tendency to believe the brain over the belly, you have to relearn how not to rely solely on the brain’s second-hand information. I’m sure you can think of many instances when you brain has told you things that have ultimately led to heartache, when your intuition had been right all along, but you just didn’t listen. As it turns out, the brain is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. Your intuition needs to be in the driving seat with the brain riding shotgun, not the other way around.

So why do we so often get it wrong, and let our flawless intuition be bullied by the rationalizations of our brains? This, my darlings, is the cry of the divine feminine, and this is why it is so essential that we wake up and find this larger universal truth within each one of us! So much writing has been devoted to explaining the death of intuition, but for now I’ll just say that we will continue to make harmful decisions until we learn to wake up and pay attention to it.

If you sit and look back at all your old body-versus-brain situations, you’ll quickly see who is smarter. Next week in Part Two, we’ll talk about how to reconnect with the belly brain, and how to recover the ability to be heart-smart!

Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She’ll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90