Email, Wink, Flirt…Don’t Wait, Go For It

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I was flipping through some profiles on Match the other day and I was, surprisingly, excited to see a few guys who – based on their profiles – looked promising to me.

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In the past when someone caught my eye I’d “favorite” them. This is Matches way of letting you bookmark profiles. My thinking was, I’d send a witty email when I had the time to write (and the inclination to be witty). Problem was, a lot of times I’d go back and some of the profiles I’d favorited would be gone, either hidden or removed. This usually sends me off into “what if” land. What if I missed a chance to meet someone great? What if one of the disappeared guys was my last chance at finding Mr Right? What if. What if. What if.

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Of course I know that chances are only a very small percentage of these guys would have evolved into a single coffee date…let alone a series of dates….or, dare I say it…a relationship. But still, those missed connections do make one wonder.

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So, my new tack is to do something…email, wink, anything. They may respond back, or not. The point is, if you don’t knock on the door then it’s guaranteed that no one will answer. If I put the simple “hi, how are you” message out there though, someone will answer. Also, I won’t be wondering “what if”. If I send a message and he doesn’t respond I’ll know he wasn’t interested in getting to know me. If he does respond, well…it could very well be the start of something big.

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Check out our latest article “Your Must Haves…Pick Three” on Singles Warehouse! And while you’re there be sure to read posts from some of the other fine SWEXPERTS.

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Committment Phobic OR Needs to be Committed?

How hard is it to ask for a date? Apparently, it is quite difficult.

Many years ago, I went on line to search for love. Guys actually wrote emails, asked questions, wanted to talk and then asked you out.

Correct me if I am wrong or you have a different experience, BUT, recently, guys seem to be putting NO effort into making a date or pursuing the woman.

For the past year, I have reached out to profiles that interest me. I get one sentence responses where the person does not carry along the communication. They don’t ask about me. They don’t share about themselves. They don’t seem to want to talk. They put no effort in trying to meet up. I want to scream, “Then why are you on this site if you are putting no effort into meeting someone.”

It is frustrating and I want to pull out my hair. But, that would present another whole level of complications and problems in meeting someone. I don’t think I can pull off the bald look like Sinead O’Connor can.

Most recently, someone wrote back. They told me they were working a lot and that is what caused the delay in getting back to me. And???? Well, that was it. I wrote back to see if I could keep it going. I asked some questions — a novel idea apparently with some people.

He would answer but like so many people did not inquire about the person he was communicating with >>> ME.

Now this person lives about 45-60 minutes north of me near a winery. We both established in our emails and profiles that we like wineries. One day last week, I got an email from him that said, “If you find yourself at the winery, let me know and we can meet and have a glass of wine.” I was disappointed by the lack of effort to set up a date, give it a time frame and make it happen. It was too open ended for me.

I wrote back and said, “Well, if you ever find yourself at the Mall in Paramus, NJ, give me a call and perhaps we can meet for a coffee or drink.” I mirrored exactly the lame email he sent me. A real man would say, “Let’s meet for a drink. There is a place about 15 minutes from you and is next Thursday OK?” And, if that worked out, then perhaps do a few wineries on a 2nd or 3rd date. But, alas, I am finding that there are fewer real men out there.

I don’t mean to sound like I am bashing on men, but as a female who is looking for a great guy — this is my experience and perspective.

Are these men commitment phobic? If yes, then why try to date? Or, are they so dysfunctional, they really just need to be committed to a facility for the dating impaired?

What are your experiences recently with men taking the initiative and committing to having a first date?

Please share. Mariann

Check out our latest post on Singles Warehouse too, “What Not To Wear On A First Date.”


I am sure many of our readers are on I like the site and have met some very nice people. But, for those of us in the NY/NJ area, whenever I do a search and give a wink or sent an email, it will take you to another page showing 3 other profiles that are in line with the one you just responded to that you might like.

Well, for the past 3 months, every time I send a wink or email, it tells me I would like ABIGHEARTINNY.
Why is his profile so special? Maybe he owns and lives in NYC and wants to get emails from every female within 100 miles.

Usually, it takes you to a page with other profiles to view that are similar and they also vary. Except recently, when ABIGHEARTINNY shows up as my #1 profile to check out. I did check it out. He is 54, seems successful, has a sense of humor, is attractive, seems ambitious and genuine — my observation.

So, why do some profiles always seem to come up and yet other times you come across a great profile that never showed up but did because you so defined your radius search criteria. Makes no sense.

If anyone else had the same experience with this profile popping up every time you get on, please let us know. Has anyone dated him? Did he have a big heart? Did he actually live in NY? Did he measure up and was he compatible as match insists?

I am curious. I did consider emailing him, but he said he “probably did not” want more children. Now, I don’t know if I will have kids, but I need someone to be open to the option of kids whether thru birth, adoption, surrogacy … whatever method … but be open to the possibility.

I had to get this observation off my chest. LOL
Thanks, Mariann

Be sure to visit to read our latest post! And while you’re there take a few minutes to read some of the fine posts written by our fellow #SWEXPERTS

Why You Should Google Your Online Date Before You Canoodle

I created my first online dating profile on OkCupid two years ago, around four years after my divorce. I didn’t want something serious. I still hadn’t fully recovered from the end of my bad marriage, was working over 60 hours a week, and taking care of my ten-year-old daughter on my own. I didn’t have time for serious dating, and I wasn’t emotionally ready to have a real relationship with someone. I made it abundantly clear on my OkCupid article that I was looking for a guy to go out and have fun with. Within hours of creating my profile, a flood of messages from interested guys came in.
Most of the guys who messaged me were too young or too conservative or just too different from me. Opposites may attract in real life, but it’s just not the same online, where chemistry doesn’t really exist. I wanted to find someone who I would get along with. I wanted to find someone who it would be easy to date. My relationships in the past had always been so serious and occupied my thoughts so much.
After a few weeks of receiving messages from men I wasn’t interested in on OkCupid, I started to feel discouraged and was considering joining a site you had to pay for like Just as I was about to give up on OkCupid, I got a message from a guy who actually seemed quite special. For the purposes of this article, I’ll call him Bill.
According to Bill’s OkCupid profile, he was a computer programmer who liked to read, paint, and travel. He was also a busy, single dad who was looking for someone to go with to art museums, movies, and restaurants. He wasn’t looking for anything serious, and he seemed smart. Plus, he looked pretty cute in his profile picture. What can I say? I’m a sucker for brown, curly hair and blue eyes.
So, Bill and I talked online rather frequently for a couple of weeks. We exchanged funny stories about our kids and discussed books and movies we both enjoyed. Bill would tell me a little bit about his day, and I would tell him about mine. As far as I could tell, he was funny and kind.
So, we agreed to meet in person for dinner on a Friday night. We met at a little Italian restaurant downtown. I arrived a few minutes early, and Bill arrived a few minutes late in a suit and tie. He looked great (and smelled great too). We really hit it off at dinner, and I was actually hoping that Bill might suggest that we extend the date a little longer. I thought that maybe we could go for a walk and see where the night took us. Unfortunately, he had to go home after dinner because his son wasn’t feeling well. The date was cut short, but we made tentative plans for another one and even impulsively kissed each other goodnight.
I called my best friend, Susan, when I got home from our date. I hadn’t told her yet that I had created an online dating profile, partly because I was embarrassed and knew that she didn’t think much of online dating. I was so excited about my date with Bill, though. I just had to tell her. Instead of encouragement, Susan ended up giving me a long lecture on online dating and how unsafe it can be. She fussed at me for not telling her about the date before I went on it. “What if something had happened? No one even knew where you were. You don’t even know this guy,” she said.
I got off the phone with Susan as quickly as I could. I was annoyed with her. Tons of people used online dating sites. Why couldn’t I? Bill was a nice person. I thought Susan was just being too overprotective and intrusive. After a few minutes of sitting around, being angry at Susan, I started to calm down, and I started to worry a little bit. The fact of the matter was that I didn’t know Bill. He seemed like a nice person, but I didn’t know much about him, other than what he had told me about himself. There are a lot of creeps online.
Then something occurred to me. I could Google Bill’s name. Maybe I could find his Facebook or LinkedIn profiles and see if they matched up with what he had told me about himself. I actually work for an online background check company, and I remember wondering why I hadn’t thought of doing some online research on Bill before we met up.
I remembered seeing Bill’s first and last name on the credit card he used to pay for dinner. So, I knew he wasn’t using a fake name. I typed his name into Google and waited a few anxious seconds for the search results.
At the top of the search results, I saw a news article with the title, “Local Professionals Charged With Money Laundering.” I clicked on the link to the article, thinking that someone with the same name as Bill must have been involved with money laundering. He had what could be considered a relatively common name.
I noticed the newspaper that published that article was local. It was the online version of the newspaper I had delivered to my house. I scrolled down and began to read the article, and then I noticed a picture on the right. I recognized who it was right away. It was the man I had just been on a date with a few hours earlier. I felt a little panicked and shocked. I had been on a date with a white collar criminal and hadn’t even realized it.
No, I didn’t go on a date with a violent criminal or sex offender. Women date men who have committed far worse crimes than Bill all the time. He probably is a nice guy who just made a few mistakes. Nevertheless, the crimes I found out Bill committed were enough to convince me to cancel our date and delete my OkCupid profile.
I never told Susan about what I found out about Bill. I told her he stopped talking to me when she asked. She tried to set me up with a few of her coworkers. I tried out dating the old-fashioned way but didn’t have much luck. After a few months, I decided to give online dating another try, on I’ve met a few nice guys on there, and I’ve even gone on some pretty fun dates in the last few months. Before I go on any date with an online or offline suitor, however, I make sure I Google his name.

With a history in personal data analysis, Jane Smith’s posts offer an inside look at the world of free background checks. You can reach her at janesmith161(Replace this parenthesis with the @ sign) for more information.

WRITING: Could I Write “50 Shades of Gray?”

Dare I read 50 Shades Of Grey?
I admit, I think I am one of 4 people who still have not read “50 Shades of Gray.” I am pretty sure it is because I would turn 50 shades of RED. I like romance, innuendo, subtlety, being titillated with the hint of something versus having something graphic in my face. That is me – I am making no judgments here!

By the way, Sharon (co-editor of LifeBytes) has read it … like 4 times already … again, no judgments here (well, maybe one but I will let the readers guess! LOL). Sorry Sharon.

I have been told that this book can be very graphic. I think I may be afraid to read it. I am not even sure I know what that means. Hey, when I listen to Celine Dion’s song, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” and the lyrics sung are:
“When you touch me like this or when you hold me like that or do it like this?”
I find myself asking, “What is like this? What is like that? Do like what?”

Or, when Celine sings, “There were things I’d never do again, but then they’d always seem right.”
Again, I am yelling at the song, “What? What things? What didn’t seem right but then they did? What?”


I am afraid to read it because what if I like it? Will that upset me? I don’t know. Who knows, maybe I will read it several times like Sharon ;-)

I wrote a novel entitled, “Cracked Edges.” In it one of the main characters who is in her late 20’s meets someone and they take a boat out on the water for a date and let’s just say they enjoy each other’s naked embrace as the ebb and flow of the water carries the boat and their pleasure to a beautiful place. My mom, who was a fabulous writer, was enthusiastic about helping me edit this novel and fine tune some of the story. Well, when she came upon this scene in the book, she put her pen down, tilted her reading glasses and said, “If you want to be taken as a serious writer, you don’t need this kind of explicit and non-important descriptions just to appease the lowest common denominator of your reading audience.” Ouch. Now THAT was a JUDGEMENT! She continued, “You can do better. You can write beautifully and illustrate your characters, their feelings, and their angst all while taking the literary high road.”

Well, as you can see, my mother did not mince words and if she were alive, she would never read “50 Shades of Gray.” But, I understood her point.

But, as a writer, I wonder how you can balance some of the more romantic and sexual aspects of a character and their relationship and illustrate it with description but not have it spill into over indulgence or unnecessary graphics. This is something I still struggle with.

Sharon and I have been soliciting stories for our book. A few came in from EROTICA writing sites. As I started to read them, I found I was uncomfortable. I felt it even ceased to be graphic and was unnecessarily vulgar and explicit. I took the piece and edited out what I felt we could not keep. Out of about 100 lines, I was left with about 10 lines I could see us keeping.

Sharon read the same story and when I showed her my edits, she truly laughed out loud and said that it was no longer a story with my edit. And, that we had to cut a few things but leave the essence of the relationship and if that was vulgar or graphic or down and dirty, then that is what these 2 people in the story were about and how they communicated. I understood her position. But, I then said, “then we have to make a decision about what level we want to go to or lines we want to cross in representing stories and subsequently, the characters in the story.” I will admit we are still in debate on this.

But, could I write “50 Shades of Gray?” I don’t know. Let me read it (I just gave myself an excuse that I now have to read it for the readers of the LifeBytes blog!) and I will report back. Maybe I will write “50 Shades of Pink” about a 30 year old virgin who goes on really boring dates! That saves me descriptions of the graphic sexual situations. LOL LOL LOL

Have you read “50 Shades of Gray?” Please share your thoughts about this. Mariann