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When He Doesn’t Call After A Perfect First Date

It can be bewildering when he doesn’t call after a perfect first date . He sent you an email and you liked his smile and what he wrote in his profile. Excitedly, you send a witty reply. He replies back and after a few emails you agree to speak on the phone. He is attentive and calls when you tell him when is  a good time. The conversation could not go more perfectly. You did not lack for anything to say to each other. Your humor and witty banter was natural. And, finally, he asks for a date. You agree on a date and time and hang up with a huge smile on your face. You can only hope the actual date is as good as the emails and phone conversation.

You Can’t Control If He Doesn’t Call After  A Perfect First Date

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There is a skip in your step when you think about your date. And finally, the day arrives and you enter the restaurant with a huge smile and suspended breath hoping he is as cute as his picture. Before you realize it, he is in front of you greeting you with a friendly hug.  You sit down for a drink and before you know it, two hours have passed and you laughed and flirted and had one of the best dates ever. Your date ends in smiles and promises to call each other for a 2nd date.

Go Into Your Date With Enthusiasm And Not Anxiety

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You get home and you think, “Finally, I met someone who seemed normal, nice, attractive and interesting. Maybe all this online dating is paying off.”  You wait a day and text your date and tell him what a nice time you had. And then … nothing. You can’t believe it. How could he not be as anxious as you to text back and say he had a great time and ask when he can see you again. And, yet he doesn’t.

It’s OK To Text After Your Date That You Had A Good Time

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Have you ever had this experience? Unfortunately, it happens to everyone and even multiple times. You have to wonder how you can have such a perfect date and that it does not lead to a 2nd date. And, in my case, I start 2nd guessing my gut instinct and question how my judgment and insight could be so wrong.

Sometimes Dating = Bewilderment + Head Shaking

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It’s hard to know why someone does not follow through for that 2nd date. We must keep in mind that we do not always know what is going on in someone’s life or what baggage they have.  The only thing you can do is try to see if you missed any red flags or didn’t read between the lines. If you feel you didn’t, then just move on, stay fierce in your search and make sure you maintain a positive outlook and hopeful.

Always Remain Positive When Dating

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Chemical love

Chemistry Here Today Gone Tomorrow

Ever meet someone and you can’t keep your hands off of them? It’s a great feeling. Am I right? You think about them constantly. You have a funny smirk on  your face … all the time. You are in a meeting and suddenly images of naughty things you have done overtake your mind and soon you don’t hear what anyone is saying in the meeting. And then when you do get together, hours pass like minutes in each other’s arms. You wonder how you would ever sleep if you were living with this person because other adult activites would get in the way. And, then just as quick as it started … it changes. Chemistry here today gone tomorrow.

Enjoy The Experience

Chemistry and attraction is a funny thing. It seems to change and sometimes you just don’t know why. And just when chemistry wanes it can come back with a vengence and yet again, you don’t know why. I am not one to live in the moment, but if I have learned anything it is that you have to enjoy the experience and moment you are in. For this planner and over thinker, that is a hard thing to do.

Do Not Overthink Attraction

Attraction is not just physical as we all know. It can be connected to spirit and soul and how sympatico you both are. I have been weak in the knees for a cute guy only to find out after a few dates that the person has no heart or thoughtfulness. And then I have met guys who I was not so attracted to but their souls and hearts were so genuine and loving and thoughtful, their physical looks improved and my attraction for them was unexplanable.

Chemistry Here Today Gone Tomorrow

Relationships are hard. Add in chemistry and sexual attraction and it is quite the balance beam to stay steady on. I give kudos to people who have found that balance and can go with the ebb and flow of a relationship. The good, the bad. The ups, the downs. The funny, the serious. The wild attraction, the friendship. I just don’t know how they do it and I am jealous because I wish I could. I exit a relationship once things change and perhaps I just am not trusting of the foundation or that we will get back to where we were. If we don’t, I will be devastated and disappointed and frustrated. So, I opt for the easier route. Yes, I know I am working on this!

Give The Relationship Time But Always Be Honest

I tend to check out once I feel a relationship is out of sync and that is not fair because every relationship goes out of tune every once in a while and it does not mean the music can’t return to the relationship. But, you have to be honest with what you are feeling and where you are and what you want and if your relationship is giving you what you want. If it is not, you have to be honest and sensitive and know if this is a short term issue or one that needs reckoning. Your heart will know and will tell you.

Listen To Your Heart – Ignore The White Noise

Listen to your heart and trust in how you feel and know the difference between what will change and what you know will not change. Easier said than done. But in the stillness of your thoughts, it will become clear and so will what you have to do for you and for the fairness of the person you are with … whether that is to stay together or move on.

Courting Has Died – R.I.P.

Why has being “courted” died? I know that sounds corny and old fashioned. Yes, I am sure my friends are laughing now at my “1950’s” thoughts. But, what does courting really mean? It means that someone wants to impress you and illustrate to you that you are important to them and they want you in their life.

It seems to me that women don’t necessarily expect men to “court” them anymore. I don’t know why. I think us women are making it too easy for men. We are taking the expectation away from them to step up their game and show us that we are special and worthy of their efforts to win our hearts.

Yes, this might be an unrealistic romantic fantasy. But, I recall stories from my mom, aunts and older cousins who fondly recalled gallant stories of how men went out of their way to let them know that they were the one for them. They took the risk and the responsibility to be vulnerable with their emotions. That takes a lot. They romanced their love interest … and in today’s terms that is just, well … hot!
Instead today, I find women make excuses for what the man is not doing. Aren’t we worth the efforts of the men? Women have their own way of signaling the man that she cares too and her own ways of winning over the heart of the man she loves.

With technology and the changing times, I don’t think it hurts women or society to take a step back to a simpler time when a man actually “courted” a woman.

Have you been courted? How did he show it? Do you think courting is or should be dead? Or, is there any chance and hope of bringing it back to life? Let us know.

Mariann

“In A Relationship” – Dating & Facebook Status

Facebook "relationship status"Dare I say it … I hate Facebook. Oh no, I am sure I will shunned by many for saying that who are shaking their head in bewilderment. OK, so I don’t hate Facebook, but I feel like it is crux to avoid personal contact. We don’t call people anymore, we don’t make time to see each other but thru Facebook we feel like we are staying in touch with each other. Yes, to some extent we are, but from a distance and in short sound bites. I feel like it takes the depth our of our relationship and makes it more shallow. I think we become too dependent on Facebook as a way of communicating.

It has become a forum for people to release personal information in a public forum, which to some extent is a form of exhibitionism. Do I really need to know that someone picked their dog up at the Vet? No. Do I need to know that it is raining? No. Do I need to know that you can’t sleep? No. You might disagree with me and think this is critical information, but trust me … it is NOT.
And those who tell very personal info like they are sick or announce their mother died seems odd to me. I get that it is an easy way to let everyone know, but I can’t say that FB would be the first place I would go to announce this. When my mom passed, I called my friends and emailed the ones I could not get. I needed that voice, that comfort and that personal interaction.

This all leads to me to announcing your “relationship status” on Facebook. I can see if you are married, but I like to keep my countenance on personal information and announcing everything to the world. Once it is “out there” you cannot get it back.

And then when you say you are in a relationship with someone and breakup, all the world has to know. I just think some things are better kept private.
I got a lot of flack from family and friends who could not understand why I did not indicate my FB status as “in a relationship” with the person I was dating. I explained that I like my privacy and I don’t need to announce all my personal business to the world.

Then I was given the argument that it could offend my boyfriend if he saw my status was still “single.” But he did not change his status and I was not offended. My attitude is that I am single until the moment I walk down the aisle and say “I do.” And, I swear, the next morning I will change my status to “Married.” I promise!

Mariann

Profiles in Craziness

Where's the right Online Dating site for me?I read so many online dating profiles that they all sometimes seem to blur together into one gigantic Cosmic Consciousness of dating. I’m amazed that we’re all single since each and everyone of us is “sincere, loving, smart and successful”, and we all enjoy “holding hands, long walks and cudding”. So I always perk up like a bloodhound when someone says something unique.

Of course unique is not always a positive thing. Sometimes it is… but sometimes not. In the interest of keeping my sanity and sense of humor intact on this journey, I’ve taken to writing some of these gems down. At the very least I will be able to be very, VERY entertaining when the cocktail party conversation turns to online dating.

That said, here are a few of my latest favorites with grammar faux-pas and misspellings included, along with my snarky italics:

1. This is from a man in his 50′s: “hobbies are many going to scifi, comic book conventions going to movies action scary comedies”
— That’s why you’re single honey.

2. “I have a handshake that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger tremble.”
— And if Maria Shriver ever decides to try online dating, I’m sure she’d find this an appealing trait. The rest of us?…Meh.

3. “i am a STOCKBROKER on WALL ST.
i am a big sports fan!
i like the yankees in baseball!
i like the giants in football!
i like the rangers in hockey!”
— I think I just figured out why the Market keeps tanking!

4. “Describe myself? Describe a river. …Some dangerous fish of the large and dark variety. A few schools of guppies. Infrequently, shell fish with pearls inside. Sometimes I circle a quite farm, other times a major city. The water is usually cold, but sometime produces hot”
— All this running water just makes me want to pee.

5. “Please have only normal baggage”
— I have a Samsonite navy blue wheelie bag. Is that OK?

6. “mysterious, enigmatic, phlegmatic, proactive, perspicacious, duly diligent, forensically consistent, consistently peripatetic, wordy, obscure, questioning, asymmetrical, egalitarian”
— But the real question is: are you Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious??

7. “I am a very ambishous fun to have and a freak in the bed”
— OK, so I’m picturing waking up to a two-headed man who’s tattooed from head(s) to toe and can thread a needle through his eyeball without screaming or bleeding.

8. “i can your friend and you can treat me like your maid. i am really interested in elder women and am crazy about them”
— COUGARS…ALL POINTS BULLETIN: Free dinner AND you get your bathroom cleaned!

9. “i hope i find my half orange and some day may be forever”
— Half orange????? I think of myself as a whole, juicy kumquat. I’m guessing that this may be a deal-breaker.

10. “I believe that lee harvey oswald did not act alone”
— Oliver? Oliver STONE?? I had no idea you were dating online.

What Words Describe Love To You?

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Describing Love

I came across a great article this week: 10 Words That Describe What Love Is To Me on TopDatingSites.com. The article offers up words such as Trust, Honesty, Compassion, Commitment, Kindness,…important and necessary qualities in any relationship of substance. All we need to do is look at what the lack of any of these words can do to a relationship.

Remember that so-called love who cheated on you? Trust flew out the window and so probably did the love. The time when you needed a compassionate shoulder to lean on and your “significant other” was too preoccupied to notice your pain? Told you a lot about that person, right? And passion…even though it may wax and wane over the course of a lifetime, we still can’t have love without it. You just can’t have a real relationship without all of that plus Tolerance, Forgiveness, Respect and Commitment.

This then got me thinking about what I’d consider the “nice to haves”, as one dating site puts it in their online questionnaire. Not necessarily crucial, but the icing on the cake of love. Mine would be:

Friendship: I’ve mentioned this to men, both those I’ve dated and those who are really just friends…and most of them cringe at the dreaded “friend” word. But think about it. Your past loves are, for the most part, gone from your life. Your friends…well…they are the ones who you can still talk to into the wee hours, the ones who know you (and you them) far better than any lover ever has. Friends are the ones who, even though years may go by, will still be ready to pick up the conversation when you do run into one another. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have your love also be your friend?

Same sense-of-humor: Most of us have one. The key is to have humor-chemistry. You understand each others corny (or wry, or witty, or zany, or esoteric….) jokes. I dated someone once who just didn’t get my slightly off-kilter humor. Whenever I said something that would have made my circle of family and friends bend over laughing, he would discourse seriously and at length about the subject I was skewering. He didn’t last more than two dates and three jokes.

Values: You need to have the same values, or at the very least understand and accept one another’s value system. I place a very high value on education, and it doesn’t have to be a top-level university education – you need to learn something, a trade, a skill, a passion…get trained and educated in this. This is vital to me. So of course at one point in my life I found myself in a relationship with someone to whom education, any education, was complete waste of time and effort….what can I say, he was pretty hot despite this. Hotness wears off, attitudes don’t. I ended it when I finally got tired of him knocking me and my friends for going to college.

Must have words, nice-to-have words. Have I touched on all of your’s here? Do you have any to add to this list?

Sharon

Is Perfection Perfect?

OK. So in my mind, I think I am perfect. But, the raw truth is that I am not perfect … as much as I would like to convice myself of the contrary. I am a perfectionist and I seek perfection in others. So, why am I disappointed when others are not perfect? People in glass houses can’t throw stones. Am I holding onto unreal expectations and in essence setting others up to fail so that when something goes wrong, I have a very good reason to walk away from somone or something?

Please. Please. Don’t all yell out your answers at once. LOL

I have my faults and yet I want people to forgive me of those.

Don’t we all have something wrong with us in one way or another?

Yes, there are certain things I won’t put up with … violence, abuse, cheapness, no manners, lying and no ambition.

What is perfection? Are we talking about physical? Intelligence? Character? Integrity?
Someone corresponded with me and he confided about something physical. To me … It was exterior and not important. It was not an indicator of what was inside the person.

To not write back or dismiss him would certainly be shallow and callous and why should I penalize someone for something beyond their control? One could say I don’t meet their height limit (out of my control) and therefore they don’t want to meet me. I would get mad and insulted and wonder what kind of a jerk they were for looking at something so superflous.

I had a realization that I too was not really perfect. Who is? I chose to get to know a person who had a nice perspective on life, a good sense of humor, a cute smile, and a nice heart. Maybe whatever he dealt with in life, is what gave him strength and confidence and courage and the ability to look into one’s heart. I hope he can look past my one imperfection (ok, ok … some of my imperfections).

We met. He is a very nice man and I only see a nice, confident and decent human being.

Perfection is all subjective.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON45TeyyCnQ&feature=related]

Is there something that is a deal breaker for you?
Is perfection over rated?
And, does our desire for perfection only lead to inevitable disappointment?
I think a good heart, humor and integrity are the most important things a person can have.
But, let me know your thoughts.

Thanks
Mariann

Outsourcing Gone “WILD” – Online Dating Ghost Writers

Who is the real writer of those emails you are getting?

After scrolling through one profile after another, I come across a smile or look that appeals to me. I click on the profile and am relieved to find that he has no bare chested photos, does not write in all caps, uses punctuation and actually seems to have a sense of humor.

I email. Short. Sweet. A little humor. Keep him wanting more. I am excited to see an email from him 2 days later. It is surprisingly well written. It is more than one line just asking for my tel #. It has a beginning, middle and end. And shockingly, he actually asks me some questions about me! I am in heaven.

The exchanges bring us along to a comfortable level that I can open up a bit and am ready to chat. His emails flow well, have personality and start to show me a little about who he is. I like it and want to know more.

Finally, I agree to talk on the phone and he calls at the exact time he promises. Surprisingly, I am actually a little nervous and excited. It has been awhile.

For the next 10 minutes, I chalk his jittery and stilted and uninteresting conversation up to nerves. For another 10 minutes, I start to think that someone absconded with my Prince Charming and this was his stand in.

After 30 minutes, I end the torture and tell him I have to get off the phone. Afterwards, my head is spinning … and not from the titilating intellectual conversation but from confusion as to how a great email exchange can go so awry when you actually talk on the phone.

I should not have done it, but I powered up the laptop and sent an email asking by would be suitor why the conversation lagged when our emails did not.

I was surprised he answered but even more shocked by his answer. He said he was terribly shy and his friend wrote his emails for him because he felt things but had trouble expressing them in words. And, he hated phones but once he got comfortable, he started to open up.

We had an honest exchange … just he and I through email … and then he called me … and the next 20 minutes flowed naturally … in real … without his online dating ghost writer. It was a truly pleasant surprise.

We met and dated for a couple of months. Although it did not work out, we became friends … and he is now writing his own emails.

Have you ever found that disconnect between how someone writes in their emails vs how they communicate on the phone or in person?

Hmmmm … maybe they have outsourced their online dating email writing to the same guy answering the phone for Domino Pizza orders in India. Maybe? Anything seems possible these days.

Q & A: Maybe you should keep a Blood Alcohol tester on hand!

QUESTION:
I went out with this girl who was beautiful and funny and smart. The complete package. Unfortunately, she got totally wasted on our first date. I don’t know if it is nerves or if she has a problem. I had to take her home where her roommate took over. I really liked this girl but am not sure if I should even pursue it. She called to apologize and said she had not eaten all day and was completely embarrassed.

Sharon
Mariann is very embarrassed by that episode and wants me to extend another apology to you. Seriously though, she could have a drinking problem … or not. You can’t really tell from one date. I once went to a boyfriend’s office holiday party … hadn’t eaten all day … was sitting at a table of people “talking shop”. What can I say, I just kept sipping away at the wine and, although I didn’t do anything wild or embarrassing at the party, I don’t remember the ride home. My BF thought it was funny and told me that I was “cute” when I was drunk, but of course he knew me well enough by then to know that this wasn’t a regular occurrence in my life.

This is why it’s so important to take your time in getting to know a new girl (or guy). If you like her then take her out again, but keep your eyes open. If she continually drinks a bit too much then it’s time to cut bait and run. If not … well, I wish you both the best in your new relationship.

Mariann:
Thanks for outing me on that date Sharon – I thought I had told you to keep it confident! LOL

This girl could have a drinking problem, or did in fact not eat much and combine that with nervous and you get a wasted date. I would accept her apology. Ask her out again and monitor her intake. We can all imbibe a bit too much at times … but you don’t do that on a first date. If you notice a pattern, then at least you gave it a try … and run as fast as you can to your next online date. You don’t need a person with alot of