The “Weight” of Dating

As soon as I lose 10 pounds and can fit back into my skinny jeans, I will go back on the dating site and look for someone.” How many of us have said that to ourselves or friends?

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How important is weight when it comes to dating? It seems women are more forgiving towards a man with weight than men are with women who have a “few extra pounds.”

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The bottom line is … looks are important. But, so is the soul and character underneath. Physical attraction is what differentiates a boyfriend or girlfriend from just being a friend.

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My mother used to say that “packaging” was important. But, it was not everything and that your shared values and what you have in common is most important. But, we each have a responsibility to look our best.

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I have been out with some men who are so cute, you can’t take your eyes off of them. But, after a boring conversation or finding we have little in common … I lose interest and they become less cute. And, there have been times when I met a man and there was no initial chemistry but as I got to know their personality and values, I found them exceptionally attractive. But, if I did not allow the time to get to know them, I would not have seen that.

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When we say looks are important, we don’t mean someone has to be a size 2 or a guy has to be built like a body builder and both of them looked like they stepped out of a Neiman Marcus catalogue. Sometimes it is a smile, a look in their eye, or the way they carry themselves.

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Is weight important? Yes and No. It is a problem when the weight causes you frustration … sucks away your personality … inhibits you being your true self … or risks your health.

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I have been out with men who have a wry smile that is dazzling, but have more weight on them than I would like … but if the chemistry and bond is there, it is of little concern.

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Likewise, I have been on dates when I have not been at an optimal weight and I wonder, “doesn’t my weight make me less attractive to them … why do they like me?” I realize they see a 3 dimensional person who is fun and intelligent. But, in a wierd way, I almost get annoyed at them for accepting me with my extra weight. (therapist please!! lol)

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At the end of the day, I think 4 things prevail:
a. We need to be the best people we can be as it relates to health and self development.
b. Looks have a preliminary importance in sparking an attraction that makes you want to date someone but there needs to be substance.
c. That who the person is on the inside is more important and we owe it to ourselves and the people we meet to allow time to look past the shallow veneer of looks and see what kind of treasure lies within that person because attraction and chemistry can develop.
d. A persons character is not fleeting as looks can be — so give people a chance and give them the kind of respect and chance you hope people allow you.

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Weight can be lost and gained.

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Chivalry, consideration, thoughtfulness, heart, a sense of charity, kindness, humor goodness and appreciation of family and what we have in our lives are not so easy to gain.

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So, before you are so hard on yourself or with others, embrace all the other wonderful things you bring to the table and how lucky someone is to know you. And how lucky you are to have an opportunity to meet and get to know a wonderful person.

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Give chemistry and attraction some time to see what develops. And, if that physical chemistry is a forceful magnet, be sure to look beneath the surface at the character within.

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I gained weight since my mom’s passing last year. I am now on a diet and losing weight. And, it feels great. I feel healthier and happier about myself. I am not doing it be more attractive. I am not doing it so I can go on some dating site. I am doing it for me … and hopefully that is what someone will find attractive … Just me … in whatever form that takes on both the inside and outside of who I am.

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Thanks for listening …
Mariann

A Designer’s Lament

I need to start this post with a Graphic Design Diva’s Hissy Fit. …I put a short profile and a photo up on PlentyOfFish.com and made a valiant attempt at trying to figure out how to “work” the site. I am exhausted, and I still haven’t completely figured out this place. Now the Pollyanna side of me is saying “You never know. Don’t judge a site by it’s navigation. Your soul mate may be lurking around on there somewhere. Chin up Girl!” And the Design Diva is screaming “BARF…GAG…it’s ugly here. GET OUT before the place permanently blinds you!” I just can’t get comfortable with this site.

First of all the photos are horrible…all of them. Seems when you upload a photo the site re-sizes your pix….but not proportionately. I’ve yet to see a man on there who doesn’t look like some variation of Mr. Potato Head. Now I’m sure most of these guys are actually normal to great-looking in real life. I’m also sure that the majority of them posted photos that are an accurate depiction of what they look like, but by the time these pix get posted on pof.com they have apparently gone through some kind of internet nuclear holocaust, causing them to become Mr. Potato-fied. I am actually afraid to look at the public view of my profile. I don’t want to know what happened to my head.

I did find a rating section on the site though. You can submit your headshot and have members rate you, from a 1 (Fish Again) to a 10 (Great Catch). Am I the only one who finds this too icky to bear? Needless to say I will not be submitting my headshot to this section. There’s also a discussion board, which I just haven’t had time to delve into, and just as well too because, let’s face it, I’m looking for a real-live date – not a discussion board buddy.

I’ve gotten a few emails from men on the site and not one of them is more than one sentence long. Actually most are just a word or two, like “Hi There” or “Va-Va-Voom” (do people really still use that expression??!!), or “Hey Hottie”. I have to be honest, I need more than that verbally. I like to know that the person I’m considering meeting can string a short series of sentences into a coherent message. Call me crazy, but I really do like that. I wonder if this penchant for the briefest possible message has something to do with the structure of the site? Maybe all these gentlemen are so mentally drained from trying to navigate the labyrinth that is PlentyOfFish that basic language skills have now escaped them.

I did briefly reply to a Mr. Potato Head from New York. He wrote “You seem very lovely, it’s a shame that we’re so far from one another”. His profile seemed intelligent and down-to-earth and, although he really is G.I. (geographically inappropriate) I decided to write back with, “Thanks for writing. I enjoyed your profile and I too think it’s too bad that we’re so far apart. I do have cousins who live out your way though. It’s a nice area.” He replied that he might mapquest where I lived and then he mentioned a town that’s about 50 miles south of me! So, I sent him a note telling him to set his mapquest sights to my actual home town….and….never heard back from him. Well, that’s the way it goes with online dating…sometimes they just disappear…onward and upward then.

For now I’m going to leave my profile up on PlentyOfFish…Polyanna usually wins with me. It’s free so it couldn’t hurt, right? In the meantime, I’m open to suggestions for other likely sites. Let me know if you run across an interesting one.

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